I started reading through the book of Job this week. A lot of it is resonating with me right now. I was raised in the church, I gave my life to Christ when I was 14, I went to Bible College, I’ve always sought after God. I want to please Him. Physically speaking, I’ve always been fairly healthy, I rarely get sick. So a tumor in my spine was the last thing I expected and I’ll be honest, it has taken me on an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. It has thrown me for a loop.
Through the ups and downs are days of great faith and days of serious doubt, not doubt in God, but doubt that He will heal me. And when the doubt comes, the questions creep in. What did I do wrong, what am I doing wrong. Why do I have this in my spine? God, why am I going through this? What did I do wrong?
Job asked, “Have I not wept for those who have fallen on hard times? Has my soul not grieved for the needy? But when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, darkness came.” (Job 30:25-26)
As my pastor gave his sermon this morning a thought came to mind that sparked from his words (though not what the sermon intended) and the thought was God works through processes. God knew Adam and Eve would sin, but He let them. God knew the Israelites wouldn’t trust Him and they would be in the wilderness for 40 years, but He let them. God knew the world would reject Him and crucify Jesus, but He let them, He lets us. Not because He couldn’t have stopped those things, but because He loves us. He wants us to learn, He wants us to grow, He wants us to be righteous and pursue Him and persevere. But what He’s not doing is saying “oh, she’s sinning, let me teach her a lesson” or “or oh, he’s not serving me well, let me teach him a lesson.” That’s not how God works. But He does provide us opportunities to learn and grow from the bad things that happen in this world.
So for me, I didn’t feel at peace with having surgery when I initially scheduled it. I started praying, asking everyone to pray, canceled surgery, started taking protocel (entelev 23), doing an anti-inflammatory diet, and taking iron for a newly found deficiency. I have been scared. I have doubted. I have cried. I have grown. I have learned more about myself, more about trials, more about faith, more about my husband, more about God, more about perseverance and more about my priorities. So, now I wait. And in the wait, I move through His process, I find Him, I find my spiritual foundation in Christ while my physical foundation (my feet and legs) continue to be weak. I have another MRI on April 3rd. I may find that surgery is still my only option, but now I’m at peace with letting God move me through the process. I’ll be okay.
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4
Be a Blessing! ❤️