Most anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a bit of a Bible nerd. I enjoy studying God's Word, I studied Bible in college and study it now in seminary. And those closest to me (a/k/a my husband and kids) also know I'm a bit of a control freak.
One thing I'm learning since finding out about this mass in my spinal cord is that I know God's Word, I know in my head all the things, who He is, what He says, and I believe He can heal me. I believe He will heal me. But my head tells me that God's ways aren't my ways and that His control is not in my hands.
So, I'm struggling. It's not a faith thing. I believe, I know God is real. I know He is with me. I know He can heal me. But my problem is that I'm not in control. I don't know a when or a how. I postponed my surgery, prayed a lot and nose-dived into google about natural treatments. I have peace about waiting, but waiting is the biggest part of the battle right now. I have a strong desire to know the when and the how God is going to bring healing.
I have a follow up with the surgeon today to discuss my waiting and the path forward. I have made peace with whatever healing looks like, if I try natural things for a couple more months and still need surgery I will trust God to get me through it too. But the not knowing a when and a how is hard for me.
Some of what I am learning through this, is that a lot of what I know is getting in the way of how I trust and a lot of my wanting to be in control and wanting to know when and how is getting in the way of surrendering.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding, in all your ways know him, and he will make your paths straight."
Letting go of my own understanding is hard. I want to know the details, but knowing God and not knowing my future have to be enough. He is my Father! He is The Father! He created me, He created the universe and He loves me. So while I'm being transparent and saying I'm struggling with fear, control and uncertainty, in my head I know that God's Word is true.
Matthew 7:11 says, "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him."
I am asking and God is showing me things, teaching me things. I'm not better physically, but God is teaching me that knowledge is not wisdom and control stops me from surrender and truly that when I am weak, He is strong.
Be a Blessing!