God, I trust you, but…
“You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139:2
Since October 2021 I’ve been having some pain in my right hip. I went through cortisone shots, physical therapy, even bought a new mattress. I might get some relief, but never completely. At some point, I resigned myself to just deal with it. Until November 5, 2022. My 20 year CIU reunion was that day. I woke up with new pain. Stabbing pain that felt like a knife. It stabbed and sent electrical pain from my back to my hip and down my leg. No more resignation. Chiropractor, family doctor, referral, emergency room, a different referral, MRI…
I thought it was sciatica. I thought something was pinching, a slipped disc, a torn muscle, but not the results they told me.
A mass, believed to be benign, but still a mass. The nurse practitioner on the phone understood my emotional response, but assured me that everything points to it being benign. It will have to come out if I’m to have any relief. Another MRI and now I wait to see a doctor.
“It’s all going to be ok… it is…” that’s what I tell everyone when they tell me their problems, their worries. I’m the encourager. The one who says, “God’s got this.” The one who says, “everything is going to be ok.”
But I’m finding it difficult to tell this to myself. To say, “God’s got this. I’m going to be ok.”
All through these months of pain, I’ve prayed. “God, take the pain away, heal me, make it stop.” Followed by silence. Pain and silence.
Eventually, I reframed my prayers. “God, what can I learn from this? What are you teaching me?”
- I have been less than understanding and have lacked compassion for my husband’s health problems. Forgive me. Now will you heal me?
••• silence •••
- I have been selfish a lot lately. Forgive me. Now will you heal me?
••• silence •••
- I’ve held on to hurt and not been forgiving to others. Forgive me. Now will you heal me?
••• silence •••
- I haven’t prioritized well. Forgive me. I’ll do better. Now will you heal me?
••• silence •••
But silence with God isn’t always “no.” Often in His silence, I seek harder. In His silence, I find patience. And in His silence, I find answers.
A mass. God, I trust You, but…
Talking to a co-worker my worry really hit me. God, I trust You, but…
We laughed that it would be a good slogan. Write a book. Sell merch. I have to give her credit for that but it really made me think.
God, I trust You, but I don’t know the future. God, I trust You, but I don’t know your will. God, I trust You, but I’m scared.
And in the silence, He is there. In the future, He is there. In the moment, He is there. In my fear, He is there. In the unknown, He is there.
So now, it’s time to reframe my trust.
God, I don’t know the future, but I trust You.
God, I don’t know Your will, but I trust You.
God, I’m scared, but I trust You.
“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound judgment.” 2 Timothy 1:7
I don’t know what the future holds. But I know God and I know He hears our prayers. I appreciate all your prayers! 💜